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Annoying Orange – Monster Burger! (transcript)

Agustus 15, 2015

I don’t own AO, all rights belong to Daneboe.

Orange: Yo, I got fat beats! (beatboxes, imitates record scratching, then laughs)
(Daneboe puts a plate of hamburger on the kitchen counter)
Hamburger: Hey! Get your paws off me, mister!
Orange: Wha– Huh?
Hamburger: Oh, hey. What’s up?
Orange: (screams)
Hamburger: Whoa, what’s with all the screaming?
Orange: Monster! (screams)
Hamburger: Yeah, not a monster. Hamburger.
Orange: Get away from me, monster! (hacks, spitting seeds like a machine gun)
Hamburger: Ow, gross! Are you seriously spitting seeds at me right now?!
Orange: I’ll never let you destroy the kitchen! (spitting seeds again)
Hamburger: Bleh! Destroy the what?!
Orange: You’ll never take me alive! (gunfiring)
Hamburger: Ah! Ow! How does an orange have a gun?!
Orange: Eat lead, monster!
Hamburger: AAAAH! STOP IT!
(Orange stops gunfiring)
Hamburger: OK. Are we calm now? Can we just talk like normal– (exclaims to gunfiring) KNOCK IT OFF!
Orange: Sorry. Itchy trigger-finger.
Hamburger: Jinks! What is with you?!
Orange: What? You look like a monster.
Hamburger: I’m not a monster, I told you: a hamburger.
Orange: More like Monster Burger.
Hamburger: I’M NOT A MONSTER! Cripes, is this how you treat all of your guests? Scream, call them names, and then shoot at them?
Orange: Ummm…
(flashback)
Peach: Yo, what’s up?
Orange: AAAAH!!! It’s a butt fruit! (gunfiring)
Peach: (screams)
(another flashback)
Grape: (slurred speech) Oooh, this place looks nice!
Orange: AAAAH!!! It’s a midget green alien! (gunfiring)
Grape: (slurred scream)
(yet another flashback)
Ugli Fruit: Hello, friend!
Orange: AAAAH!!! It’s an ugli fruit!
Ugli Fruit: Yeah, you’re right. I am an ugli fruit.
Orange: Oh. (gunfiring)
Ugli Fruit: (screams. Flashback ends)
Orange: Yeah, you’re right. I’ll never do that again.
Hamburger: Pffft, yeah, I’m sure.
Orange: So then, you’re not gonna eat me, Monster Burger?
Hamburger: Bro, I’m a hamburger. How many times do I have to tell you?
Orange: Hamburger? Do you park in the porking lot? (laughs)
Hamburger: Puns? Really?
Orange: Yeah. I bet you do things really full-boar. (laughs)
Hamburger: Ugh, these puns don’t even make sense! I’m made of beef, not ham!
Orange: Wait, monster burgers are made out of beef? Sounds like bovine intervention. (laughs)
Hamburger: (fake laugh) SHUT IT! LISTEN! If I have to tell you one more time that I’m not a monster, I’m gonna hit you so hard Chuck Norris would be impressed!
Orange: Violence won’t solve anything.
Hamburger: YOU WERE THE ONE SHOOTING ME WITH A GUN!
Orange: Self defense.
Hamburger: Self de– Good Lord, you’re annoying!
Orange: I’m not annoying, I’m a–
Hamburger: Let me guess: Orange. Ha! Freaking hilarious! Yeah!
Orange: OK, OK. If you’re not a monster, then what are you?
Hamburger: I told you: hamburger. Meat, then I got a bunch of lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and other good stuff in here. That’s all.
Orange: HUH?
Hamburger: What?
Orange: You ate Lettuce, Cheese, and Tomato? ALIVE?!
Hamburger: No, I didn’t actually eat–
Orange: YOU ARE A MONSTER! AAAH!!! (gunfires again)
Hamburger: (screams)
Orange: YOU ATE ALL THE FOODS IN THE KITCHEN, MONSTER BURGER!
Hamburger: Stop, stop, STOP!
Orange: (still screaming)
Hamburger: STOP DOING THAT!
Orange: Well, stop eating my friends!
Hamburger: I didn’t eat your friends! Just because I’m made out of these things doesn’t mean I ate them! I’m not a monster, just a hamburger! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK PEEL!
(silence. Hamburger pants very heavily)
Orange: Um… hey.
Hamburger: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?!
Orange: Monster Burger [referring to the real thing].
Hamburger: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’M GONNA RIP YOUR PEEL OFF AND THEN SHOOT IT OFF YOUR— AAAAH!!! OH, THE IRONY! AAAAH, IT’S KILLING ME! (the real Monster Burger ate Hamburger to death)
Orange: Whoa! That monster burger is totally deranged. (laughs)
Monster Burger: What? I don’t get it.
Orange: Oh. So you’re a hamburger, and hamburgers are made of beef. Beef come from cows, and cows hang out at a range. Get it? Deranged?
Monster Burger: (gasps) I get it! (laughs)
Orange: (joins in laughing. Both laugh, until Orange gunfires for the last time)

Cast:
– Orange
– Hamburger
– Peach
– Grape
– Ugli Fruit
– The real Monster Burger

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