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Annoying Orange – Lawyer Up (transcript)

September 23, 2015

Orange: Bored. So bored. Dare I say, blase?
(Daneboe puts a zucchini on the counter)
Zucchini: Unhand me, you manless hand.
Orange: Ha! Good one, Cucumber.
Zucchini: Excuse me, what did you say to–
Orange: I said, good one, Cucumber!
Zucchini: (growls)
Orange: Incidentally, should I continue yelling or would you rather use Google closed captioning? (laughs) Hilarious.
Zucchini: I do not want you to yell, and I don’t want you to read your crappy captions. And more importantly, I am not a cucumber! I am a zucchini!
Orange: Really? Because you act just like an apple.
Zucchini: Nobody calls me cucumber or apple!
Orange: Dude, I bet nobody calls you at all. (laughs) He’s so lonely. (laughs)
Zucchini: That’s it! I’m lawyering up!
Orange: Why? Is there a blizzard coming? Oh no, where’d I leave my long johns? And my stocking cap! AND MY SNOWMOBILE! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Franklin L. Spud: Did uh, somebody say lawyer?
Orange: No. Although that would make more sense.
(camera pans to a potato wearing lawyer clothes)
Franklin L. Spud: The name is Franklin L. Spud, I am a tater, and a litigator.
Zucchini: Great. I’m Zucchini. Rhymes with Houdini. And that doofus called me a cucumber. And then an apple. And then I was yelling too. So, do I have a case?
Franklin L. Spud: And how. Only question is, do you want assume, or do you wanna sue his pants off?
Zucchini: Pants off? PANTS OFF?!
Orange: Jokes on you, losers. I never wear pants!
(Midget Apple comes by)
Midget Apple: Hey Orange, what’s shaking?
Orange: Meh. Playing with a potty pickle and a potato alligator. You?
Midget Apple: Signing for your deliveries. Know anybody that’d wanna send you a pinata the shape of a submarine?
Orange: Maybe. Why’d you ask? (a pinata shaped like a submarine hangs above Orange and Midget Apple) Whoa!
Midget Apple: Behold! The sub-pinata!
Orange: So majestic! So mysterious. Best not to question. Best… to… SMASH! (tries to smash the pinata with a baseball bat. The pinata was destroyed but papers came out from it instead of candies. Laughs) Die, sub-pinata! Die! (laughs) Hey! That’s not candy. What is that?
Midget Apple: What else would be in a sub-pinata but… SUBPOENAS?!
Orange: Little Apple, there’s a storm a-coming. You better go warm up my snowmobile.
Midget Apple: You… what?
Orange: Because it’s time for me to LAYER UP!
(camera pans to a bowl of three-layered dip wearing lawyer clothes)
Three-Layer Dip: Did somebody say layer up?
Orange: That’s entirely possible.
Three-Layer Dip: Because I am a three-layered dip who happens to be a five-star attorney.
Orange: Hmmm… sounds to good to be true. Will you work on, retainer?
Three-Layer Dip: You bet your bottom dollar I will.
Orange: Great! (hacks, spits a shrimp)
Three-Layer Dip: Whoa. Should’ve held out for some more bridged work and a couple of crowns.
Orange: Hey! This shouldn’t be like pulling teeth, dude. All I wanna do is sue, sue, sue! (laughs)
Three-Layer Dip: Just tell me who to sue, and that’s what I’ll do! It’s even written right here in my business card. (shows his identity card)
Orange: Let’s start with Mr. Benedict Cumberbunch over there.
Zucchini: That’s not my name!
Orange: Talk to the three-layered dip because the orange ain’t listening!
Three-Layer Dip: We have attorney/condiment privilege.
Franklin L. Spud: Hehe! That’ll never stand up in a food court of law.
Three-Layer Dip: That’s what your mama said, ohhh snap.
Orange: Oh no, you de-e!
Midget Apple: Yeesh. Everybody’s all lawyered up in here except me. Will no one look up for the little guy?
Small Fry: Did somebody say small fry?
Midget Apple: Yes. You did. Just now.
Small Fry: Yes. Because that’s my name. And all I wanna do, is sue-sue-sue!
Three-Layer Dip: Hey! That’s my slogan!
Small Fry: Psssh. Don’t sue me.
Three-Layer Dip: I will! I am totally suing you!
Small Fry: Fine! Good thing my cousin is an attorney.
Franklin L. Spud: That’s right. Prepared to be countersued. Stay strong, cousin. Stay strong.
Midget Apple: What? No! You’re my lawyer! You can’t be suing other people!
Small Fry: I can and I will! And if you don’t like it, you can sue me!
Midget Apple: Fine! Hey Dip, you got time for another case?
Three-Layer Dip: No, try my partner. But I warn you: he’s only a two-layer dip.
(scene cuts to a two-layer dip who acts like crazy with a wallet on his head)
Midget Apple: Well, forget that. Looks like I’m just gonna have to represent myself. Pro bolo!
Zucchini, Franklin L. Spud, Three-Layer Dip, and Small Fry: Whoa!
Franklin L. Spud: With a tie like that, I could win any case. I’ll give you $1,000 for that bolo.
Three-Layer Dip: Make it 5,000!
Small Fry: 10,000!
Midget Apple: A bolo is not for sale! However, my legal services are.
Zucchini: $50,000!
Franklin L. Spud: 60,000!
Three-Layer Dip: A hundred grand!
Gold Bars: Two hundred grand!
Small Fry: A million dollaaaars!
Midget Apple: Alright, we got a million, that’s a million dollars, one with six zeros, million dollars, do I have two?
Orange: Oh, come on! This is a justice system or this is just an auction?
Franklin L. Spud: Eh. Potato, potato, it’s the same thing really.
Three-Layer Dip: Mainly, it’s about the billable hours.
Orange: If only there was some way to cut through all the red tape!
(scene cuts to a red tape that has been rolled into a ball)
Red Tape: (laughs weakly) Ohhh, tell me about it.
Three-Layer Dip: Now we take a real litigator!
Franklin L. Spud: A really real litigator.
Orange: Did somebody say… litigator?
Three-Layer Dip: Yup, just now. Why’d you ask?
(an alligator eats all of Zucchini, F.L. Spud, Small Fry, and Three-Layer Dip)
Orange: Whoa-ho-ho! I guess all we need is a little “gator-aid”. (laughs)
Midget Apple: You know, I think being a cold-blooded reptile is what makes him a really great lawyer.
Litigator: How dare you call me a lawyer! That’s it! I’m no sue! (spits out F.L. Spud)
Franklin L. Spud: Whoa! Talk about habeas corpus.

Cast:
– Orange
– Midget Apple
– Zucchini
– Franklin L. Spud
– Three-Layer Dip
– Small Fry
– Two-Layer Dip (recurring)
– Gold Bars (recurring)
– Red Tape (recurring)
– Litigator

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