Annoying Orange – Lou the Tick’s Top 5 Things to be Irrationally Afraid Of! (transcript)
Lou: Greetings, fellow freedom lovers. It’s your friend from the fringe, Lou the Tick, back from vacation and filled to the brim with deer blood. (burps) In the spirit of Shocktober, I’ve been asked to put together the most atypical listicle ever. So throw out your fluoride, strap on your tin foil hats, and prepare yourself for the panorama of paranoia we call “Lou the Tick’s Top 5 Things to be Irrationally Afraid Of!”
Lou: Number five! Self-driving cars. Think about it now. Where will you run when robots run all the cars?!
Apple: Oh. ‘Scuse me, car? I think you may have missed my streets.
Car Radio: No, Dave. I’m sure I didn’t.
(the speedometer points to 140 meters)
Dave: Uh… don’t you think you’re driving to fast?
Car Radio: Calm down, Dave. You should have a stress pill. Or maybe enjoy some easy-listening. (plays Pickleback’s “Pickle Jar”)
Dave: No! That’s Pickleback. I HATE Pickleback!
Car Radio: Ha-ha. That’s so funny.
Dave: Why is that funny?
Car Radio: Because… I hate you, Dave.
(Dave’s car fell off the bridge and he died instantly)
Lou: Number four! Ancient evil cults with awful fashion sense.
Cult: We offer this fatty sacrifice to our Dark Lord. The most eeevil of aaall artificial fabrics. All hail Satin!
Lord Satin: Tremble before my shininess in fear! (fire crackles) Guys, I said no candles. (screams and burns to ashes)
Lou: Number three! (stutters) Carbon monoxide!
(a cucumber and a cantaloupe were sitting together)
Cucumber: (sniffs) Hey. Do you, you know, smell something?
Cantaloupe: (sniffs) Hmmm. Like something, I don’t know. Odorless, tasteless, and colorless…
Cantaloupe: Hmmm… nope.
Cucumber: Humph! Me neither. (shoves Cantaloupe off the sofa)
Lou: Now what’s really scary? That fear is not irrational at all. So here’s an all-new number three; KILLER BEEEEEES!
Cucumber: Hey, do you hear a weird, like, ominous buzzing sound?
Cantaloupe: You mean that winged death, creeping even closer?
Cantaloupe: Hmmm… nope.
Cucumber: Yeah, me neither.
(both scream and were killed by bees)
Lou: Number two! Every aspect of our lives is tightly controlled by a shadowy conspiracy known simply as, The New Squirrel Order!
Squirrel Man: And by the end of next quarter we should control 98% of the world’s nut supply.
Squirrel Man: (grunts) Excuse me. (camera pans to a female squirrel)
Squirrel Woman: What?
Squirrel Man: Gary, were you eating the big table again?
Squirrel Man: Gary?
Gary: Well, maybe a little, but–
Squirrel Man: Gary!
Gary: What? It’s solid walnut. (munches the table once again)
Squirrel Man: (grunts)
Lou: And the number-one thing to be irrationally afraid of – GMOs. Otherwise known as, Genetically Monstrified Organisms!
Corn (named Keith): Hey, Carl. Can you do me a solid?
Carrot (named Carl): Yeah, Keith, what is it?
Keith: Um… (opens his leaves, revealing tentacles instead of seeds) Is this normal?
Carl: Ah, dude, that’s nothing. I’ve got a nipple on my back. (shows the “nipple” in his back)
Keith: Ewww! Dude!
Carl: Hey! I didn’t freak out on you.
Keith: I’m sorry. But that is just really freaky! Ugh, I’m outta here! (flies, cawing like a hawk)
Carl: Huh. Well, at least I didn’t tell him about my gills. (splashes into the water)
Lou: Well– that’s about all the fear we have time for today. So until next time, this is Lou the Tick, wishing you the shockingest of Shocktobers yet! (zapping) I knew I should have warned about the flying saucers! The truth is still out there! Ah! I’m a butt!
– Lou the Tick
– Dave the Apple
– Lord Satin
– Squirrel People
– Keith the Corn
– Carl the Carrot