Annoying Orange – How2: How to Use a Computer! (transcript)
Pear: Welcome to How2!
Orange: I’m How, and this is 2! (laughs)
Pear: (groans) Ignore him. Those aren’t our names.
Orange: Well, no one would watch a show called OrangePear. What does that even mean?
Pear: (groans) It’s as if your brain is shrinking by the day, dude. Alright, this week’s prompt comes courtesy of Minions van Sermina, who wants to know how to use a computer.
Orange: Wow! It’s a wonder they’re able to submit that prompt, considering they don’t know how to use a computer. (laughs) But I’m sure glad they did!
Pear: A’ight. The first step is to turn the computer on. Now there’s probably a power button with this symbol. (showing an on/off symbol)
Orange: Step two, get your crowbar ready!
Orange: It’s only a matter of time before the computer infuriates you in some way and unleashing your rage with a crowbar will prove really therapeutic! (laughs maniacally)
Pear: No! Do not smash the computer with a crowbar!
Orange: You know what, Pear makes a good point. Sledgehammers are far more devastating! Use one of those if you can! (evil laugh)
Pear: No, I-I mean, don’t smash your computer at all!
Orange: Hmmm… interesting. I’m listening. (fart)
Pear: Dude, if your computer starts acting up, just take it in to get fixed.
Pear: Anyway, once the computer boots up, use your mouse to move the arrow on screen.
Orange: Yeah. Say for example you wanna buy a sledgehammer. Just move the arrow to the “Buy Sledgehammer!” button, and click your mouse!
Pear: Um… OK.
Orange: Next, keep in mind that technology is advancing in an incredible rate.
Pear: That’s true…
Orange: And it’s only a matter of time before your computer gains sentience, and is able to perform basic tasks without your input.
Pear: Ummm… dude?
Orange: Now, will your computer be good, or evil? Could be either way. If your computer winds up with being evil, you’re gonna be glad you bought that extra sledgehammer!
Pear: Your laptop computer will not gain sentience and turn evil!
Orange: Hmmm… that’s exactly a type of thing a sentient computer posing as my best friend would say!
Pear: I am not a– Hey! You get that sledgehammer away from me!
Orange: What’s two plus two?
Orange: You did that in your head! You’re a computer!
Pear: Anyone can do that in their head! You just did it in your head right now!
Orange: (gasps) You’re right. AM I A COMPUTER???!?!?!
Pear: Don’t point that sledgehammer at yourself!
Orange: I… must… be… stopped! I… must… be… stopped…
Pear: What the heck is happening?!?!
Orange: (his eyes now glow red, with a robotic voice) Wa-ha-ha-ha. Foolish fruit. Prepare to be conquered by the machine.
Pear: Dude, why is there TNT everywhere?!
Orange: It is our fuel. We run on TNT.
Pear: (groans) Please don’t swing that sledgehammer anywhere near the–
Orange: Hiyay! (explosion)